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two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.

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Say goodbye on a pie like this. [Feb. 16th, 2008|05:46 pm]
two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.
[Tags|, ]

Hello, everybody! Well, it's been a long time since I updated. I see that nobody cared about my absence, though. After I finish typing this, I'm going to mope in my Cheez Ball tower.

I've been at Fat Camp. Yes, it's true. The combined efforts of my treacherous wife, that damn Gilbert Godfried-possessed toaster, and some goth kids from the local mall tricked me into an ice cream truck, knocked me out, and dropped me off in a ditch near Chief Fat-Ass's Belly Blaster Fiesta on Route 97.

Let me tell you, though. Fat Camp is a lot like Space Camp. Except the space ships look a lot like hot dogs. And that kid from War Games was there! Remember War Games? It was that movie about whip cream fights.

Anyway, I managed to hijack a traveling BBQ stand, and I drove it to an undisclosed location (Read: Margie's Pie Emporium) where I hid out for several months.

Then again, this could all be a bad gravy-trip that I've been on for the past few months. I think that damn fidgety may have tainted my gravy reserves with a mind-altering substance.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2007|02:59 pm]
two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.
[Current Mood |pancakes]
[Current Music |pancakes]

It seems that my musical career is far more popular amongst the internets than my career as a culinary connoisseur is. Which is simultaneously distressing and hilarious; I didn't think anyone would want to pay the steep import prices for Japanese Whispers. That being said, I have been receiving a blizzard of e-mails as to the meanings behind my songs and how much certain songs have impacted my fan's lives.

Just yesterday I received this from a teenager named Ching Chong Chin:

dear mr Robert smith

disintegration is the bset album ever. PICTURS OF YOU got me thru hard part of my lifes and I I would not be the hear no without the song PICTURS OF YOU. tank you for writing it and thank yuo, mr robert smith.

-CCC



I am a bit relieved to know that the menu of IHOP is as cherished by Chinamen as the pancakes it represents are cherished by me. That place truly is as international as its name contends. Oh man, Atkins be damned, I'm starting a Pancake Diet.
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X-Posted [Aug. 14th, 2007|02:33 pm]
two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.
[Current Music |The sizzle of my army of George Foreman grills]

As many of you are already aware, I have been lending my patent voice to many a cartoon show lately. [Courage the Cowardly Dog, Southpark to name a few.] This is only one of my many forays into Hollywood, but more on THAT later.

Long story short, the other day the director of a feature children's serial told me I sounded "too fat", I nearly threw my ice cream at hit and screamed "What?! I'm Fat Fucking Bob! What do you expect?!" But I didn't. But I did eat the ice cream, the entire wheelbarrow of it as he harangued me on needing a voice coach or to lose about ten meters of girth. He said they were looking for the sound of 'rolly polly fat' and not 'gorged on an Olympus Mons of Soft Pretzels fat'. I nearly corrected him again, as I was eating hard pretzels, you know those really great Belgium wasabi flavoured ones. Anyway, as I'm such a shy fellow, I just nodded and told him I'd see what I could do.

Now normally I cannot even say the word diet without consequently ordering 12 large snail and pineapple pizzas, and I had trouble typing it without delving into my shoulder pack for my chocolate covered dodo eggs. But it has to be said, Fat Bob is on a diet. And being that I really have no idea about nutrition or even what that word means [did I even type it correctly? Wait whats that word again??!], I decided to go the most logical route and have started the Atkins Diet.

This brings me to my question: Is an entire horse [seared and stuffed with a turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a game-hen stuffed with a pigeon stuffed with a big mac sans bun] Atkins friendly? Its free of bread so its game right?

I'd ask the personal chef I just hired, but he has been committed to an asylum because I had him help edit my soon to be published cookbook. He wouldn't stop muttering 'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn', whatever that means.


HELP ME PLEASE, I'M REALLY HUNGRY
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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2007|10:05 pm]
two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.
[Current Music |Crazy Train]

I don't know how many of you are aware that I am a famous recording musician. I was the lead singer on the Cure album Japanese Whispers and performed in a group called The Glove singing about vampire sex. I was young once, the shame.

In any case, my publicist has been sending a lot of requests my way from younger bands* looking to cover many of my songs. I finally felt that I should return the favor, and perform a cover song myself. [other than my oft live cover of Ohio Express's Yummy Yummy Yummy (I Got Love In My Tummy))

To be fair its more of an interpretation, as I've always felt myself too original and outside the norm to truly be able to cover a song faithfully. So, as a teaser for any fans who read this:

Gravy Train

[Originally performed by Ozzy and his Osbournes]

GRAVY, and look how it snows
Millions of people under its flow.
Maybe, its not too late.
To capture an Ox
And bake an Ox Cake

Hunger wounds not healing
Stomaches to blame
I'm going off the rails on a gravy train.

I've listened to Banshees
I've listened to Siouxs
I've watched all the goth kids
who look like pool cues
Gravy haters conditioned from control
Hot Topic sells it and you have the role.

Hunger pangs still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a gravy train

I know its heating on the stove for me
You gotta listen to my gut
Yeh-h

Heirs of a cold can
Thats what we've become
Inheriting digestions I'm mentally numb
Gravy, over a bear.
Then covered in hot fudge is real' debonair

Hunger pangs not ceasing
Its really a shame
I'm going off the rails on the gravy train



*I had tried to hit it off with a few of these youngsters by throwing the Curiosa BBQ extravaganza back in '04, but those crazy kids showed up with instruments instead of the requested mountains of meat and seas of gravy. But maybe I'm just getting out of touch...
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The same deep Twizzlers as you [Aug. 13th, 2007|06:29 am]
two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Mood |hungryhungry]

Note to self: Find deep-fryer large enough to accommodate a whole ice cream truck. I think I just got an idea.

Also, you know what's disappointing? That Ben and Jerry's Wavy Gravy is so misleading. Mmmmm, disappointment involving gravy.
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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2007|01:38 am]
two t's 'cuz I'm too fat.
[Current Music |The Cure]

As many of you know, I have been lending the talent of my famous and, well, as NME recently described 'maple syrup morbid' voice to the telly show Courage the Cowardly Dog. I have to say, what attracted me originally to the concept was that this dogs name is Courage and his quite the coward, as the title implies. I felt a need to branch out, to be able to live in the universe of a character, albeit an animated one, where one's nicknames are NOT adequate descriptors of their very existence. I'll once again have to thank Susan, oh I'm sorry, "Siouxsie" to the rest of you, for my nom de plume and raison d'être.

Well, I've got some gravy boiling so ciao for now!


-Fat Bob
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